Allll-righty then, these are the worst, the dregs, lowliest turds of a movie floated up by the cesspit that is Hollywood. Some of the mentioned films have been truly fecal, but I can set you up with a double bill of drek that will make you want to gouge your eyes out with a spoon.

First of all, I have eliminated all sequels as, by their very nature they are derivative. Rare indeed is the cinematic offspring that surpasses it's sire, and aside from THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and ALIENS, I can think of none. But that is a question for another week.

Secondly, I have removed all Direct To Video stink bombs from the list. This removes THE TOXIC AVENGER, CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH and the entirety of the Troma Films catalog. Unfortunately, it also takes out what is probably the absolute most god awful waste of celluloid it has ever been my displeasure to watch. If any of you would like to see a filmic abomination, I will gladly loan you my albatross of a copy of VAMPIRE VIXENS FROM VENUS. Elsie and SeNor Monkeybutt watched this with me. They'll back meon this one. There was absolutely NOTHING good about this. If you don't believe me, I will gladly set any one of you up with the copy, but don't say I didn't warn you.

So, using those guidelines, and the Not-On MST3K rule, here's are the worst movies I have seen, in no order what so ever.

1. CARNOSAUR: A low budget quickie made to tie into the JURASSIC PARK frenzy, this load of crap has bad effects, wooden acting, and a plot that feels like someone shuffle several random scripts together. Absolutely the worst film I have paid good money to see in a theater.

2. DEEP STAR SIX: Starring Greg "My Two Dads, BJ and The Bear" Evigan in a ripoff flick designed to cash in on THE ABYSS. At least I got to see this one for free.

3. GYMKATA: Remember the Olympics we didn't go to. Apparently this was Kurt Thomas' payback, a film involving a fushion of gymnastics and martial arts. To quote Dr. Clayton Forrester "DEEEEEEP HURTING!"

4. OUT OF BOUNDS: Seen at a sneak preview one summer. Between his John Hughes era and beefing up and washing out, little Anthony Michael Hall made this action/suspense barf-o-rama. I lost count of how many times the mike was in the shot, but the shear mindless tedium made me want to hang myself from the balcony of the IU Auditorium. Why did I stay? Because after a certain point, it becomes like a car wreck, you just can't avoid looking. Myself, Mischa, as well as the people in front and in back of us, were all jeering this very substandard effort.

5. A*P*E: Now this originally was released at the same time as the remake of KING KONG in 3-D. The 3-D effects were of the SCTV "Dr. Tung's 3-D House Of Stewardesses" caliber. The zipper on the ape suit is clearly visible and the "giant" shark the ape monster fights is plainly dead. If you must see this, I have it on video. If you dare.

6. THE ROBOT VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY: It's Mexican. It's got wrestling monsters. It has a guy wearing a cardboard box and a football helmet with a light bulb on it as the robot. It really, really sucks. Oh yeah, almost the entire film is a flashback. Don't believe me? I'll set you up and leave the room. I paid $2.50 for the copy one Halloween at Wally-World.

7. ANACONDA: Yes. It is one of the most god-forsaken movies it has been my displeasure to endure.

and my last entry:

8. BLOOD ORGY OF THE SHE DEVILS: With a title that explotative you'd think this should be pretty good. WRONG! There is no "blood orgy", just some interpretive dance in silky robes. And the "she devils" are mostly bored housewives. I swear this was shot in somebody's house over a long weekend. Just ask any of the other survivors how bad this one was.

I will hold on to the last two, in case I think of something else. I want to put ACE VENTURA II on the list, but no sequels. WATERWORLD is still a bad movie, even if it had only cost $3.00, but I'll spare it this time because of Dennis Hopper and the eyepatch. And I am torn between HELLRAISER and PET SEMETARY, both of which I walked out of, so I'm leaving them off the list. I'm surprised that no one mentioned SHOWGIRLS or STRIPTEASE. Or the later Hammer Dracula and Frankenstein films. Or ESCAPE FROM L.A., wait that was a sequel, never mind. IMMORTAL COMBAT starring Rowdy Roddy Piper as Hanna-Tu, or was he Shplunky?


Get me Outta Here!!!!